I faked an abortion last night.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
