Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
