I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
