The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Randomize
