im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
The power of my boobs compel you
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
