You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
