Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
