You're completely useless in the revolution.
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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