If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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