first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
