It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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