Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
