I wanna bring you to show and tell
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
