Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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