i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
im holly from the hills drunk
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize
