he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
