last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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