Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
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