I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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