I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Randomize
