The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
