The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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