We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
