The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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