She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
