five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
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