ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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