Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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