I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
