Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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