my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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