Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
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