my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
