I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
My vagina just clenched in fear
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