i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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