if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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