the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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