i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
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