Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
