"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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