I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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