you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I hope mine doesn't look like that
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
