I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
