why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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