this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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