He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Randomize
