i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
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