Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
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