my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
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