I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
