highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
